Learning to Fail – never a nice feeling…

Girl sitting in a lightbulb feeling failure

I am someone who always strives for excellence, no matter what I do. I know, I know, that sounds rather precocious, but what happens when that hard work doesn’t pay off as you planned it would. Nothing prepared me for this feeling of not good enough. A feeling not unlike failure.

This feeling has been steadily rising where just when I think I’ve reached the edge of it, I’m pulled back into its depth. Right now, I know that I am not at all comfortable with this feeling and how my actions appear to others around me. Did I break a mirror last year!

So now where to?

So I can document what has not worked for me so far based on all those listicles on ‘becoming a better you’ and ‘how to get out of that rut you’re in’ – (and to remind myself I haven’t been wallowing or just letting it happen) here’s what I’ve tried (also for future reference and in case someone out there has been trying them all as well to no avail):
crocheted scarf with tassles trying not to fail

  • Go to the gym and exercise yourself out of the rut
    • I’ve run, joined different gym classes, gone at different times of the day to no improvement.
  • Learn a new skill
    • I went to a ‘learn to crochet’ class and have now created a long scarf, a phone pouch/bag and started a pair of gloves, also I can now read a crochet pattern.
  • Read a non-work related book
    • I’ve read 7 books since September last year – some good reads in there.
  • Watch a movie
    • Watched many movies – both good and bad – Star Wars was pretty special.
  • Read a work-related book
  • Listen to a podcast
  • Retail therapy
    • I got a pretty new dress… so what?
  • Meditation
    • Also part of a gym class and whenever I have a quiet moment I go into my head which seems to be a dangerous place…

After exploring all these avenues above with no success, I realised that my writing has been pushed to the wayside recently.

Next steps

Writing desk with typewriterSo, in order to get back to being the better ‘ME’, I’m now returning to the written word. As you can see the last time I wrote was almost 5 months ago, so perhaps that could be a contributing factor to this rut. I have held this stressed, anxiety-filled, introversion for far too long and at least some of it needs to be released in type.

Expect more insight more frequently these coming months. It’s mostly for my mental wellbeing, but I may just learn something along the way. No pressure, right?

P.S. Also considering a silence retreat for my birthday but it’s still up in the air.

Any feedback or suggestions would be most welcomed!